The Feeling of Guilt

So today is the last day of my pediatric rotation. Anyway, for the entire week, I've been constantly quizzed about random stuffs that I had studied but forgotten.

First question on the way to rounds. What did you read last night? Opps. I shook my head. I read about aspergers syndrome but I'm not about to tell him that. He will think I'm weird.

I felt pretty bad about not knowing answers to simple questions. For example, what is the side effect of gentamycin? The answer was nephrotoxicity. Simple questions. Then staff nurses couldn't answer but that was a bit expected but he looked very disappointed that I couldn't answer it either.

Then he asked me what are the most common organism that causes pneumonia in neonates and toddlers. I don't know the answer. So he told me after awhile like 3 room visits later. Then I ask why. Guess what answer I got? Don't question the teacher why when you yourself haven't' done the reading. It just shows your weakness. Embarrassing for me because he told me off in front of the stuff nurse. I'm sure he would use the word lazy on me if the nurse weren't there.

But after rounds, he told me he doesn't know how to teach me because I don't do my readings. BANG!!! That hurt. I didn't say anything because it is true right? How to help someone who is not helping herself. Damn it. The acting medical director of the hospital thinking that I am lazy is not good. He probably thinks I'm pretty stupid too. Shrugs.

He then brought me to watch a cesarean. Highlight of the week. When we came out, he smiled at me and said that he was scared that I was going to faint at the sight of blood. Anyway, that op was amazing. There is this sense of joy and miracle when the baby was delivered.

After that he sent me off with the visiting peds surgeon. So I got to watch three of the same operation that I don't think I want to name at this stage. It's a minor surgery but not for those who are undergoing it. One really screamed and cried.

It was a great and inspiring rotation. At least I'm not too scared of kids anymore. But I felt really guilty after this week though. Should start studying harder. No denying that I am pretty lazy for the past two years school work wise. I got the grades I got because of some kind of little smartness and instincts. Would have done better if I start actually start studying. So I'm going to start now. Study some basic peds stuffs. At least the questions he asked.

Maybe I should walk up to him on my last day of my attachment and tell him all the answers to his questions. Should I? Maybe it's not too nice to do that. I don't know.

love,
kathleen